Life as an attitude 2.0 - My ACT love affaire

 

Last April (04.2020) I had a new “revelation” about the importance of attitudes in life, and I illustrated it with a couple of examples from music, from high quality television shows, and I finally left the readers with a bunch of rhetorical questions about their perspectives toward the multiple facets of the fresh CORONA crises and its impact on our global village (see here The value of attitudes). The truth is that I have always enjoyed witnessing life and its challenges as they unfold, infusing curiosity on my perspectives, and stealing fresh looks from things and people when I wasn’t bored, depressed or anxious. I see life as a tremendously complex show worth attending to, and I was willing to pay a good price in order to have a premium perspective whenever I could afford the associated costs. A bald-bold guy I "meet" through his books during my early 20’s - Stephen Covey – persuaded me that attitudes matter, that having an overall perspective is key in getting oriented in life, that personal and professional evolution could be improved by chosen attitudes that are centered around principles and values. Both psychology and my own Christian spiritual tradition stressed the importance of adopting the “right vantage point”, so I wasn’t completely new to the LIFE AS AN ATTITUDE approach. In fact I coded and recoded my first version (i.e., version 1.0) for more than 20 years by now.

Although I was somehow familiar with the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) paradigm, I didn’t really grasp it’s gist from just reading books or even from the in-depth intellectual exploration needed for preparing scientific papers. Therefore, this spring I decided to immerse myself in these waters by taking an online ACT course for psychologists. I thought it would be cool to have another bald-bold guy - Steven Hayes this time - magically appear on my big (almost life size) screen that dominates the space of my home office. Several hundred dollars and a few clicks away I could spend some quality time with him in the comfort of my Romanian home. One of the best parts was the non-conflicting schedules between our busy calendars, as we could have longer or shorter meetings whenever I was able to treat myself with a few ACT training hours. His presence, genuineness, flexible and complex approach, sound scientific base, playful attitudes and valued life perspective reached me with an irresistible and seductive force. I was mesmerized, enchanted, uplifted, and energized by the wealth of implications resulting from just our attitudes-perspectives. How we relate to the universe - be it the internal universe of entangled emotions and thoughts, or the external universe of people, objects, and planets – appeared to me in a fresh new light. The infinite space of consciousness resulted from playfully dancing between different attitudes pushed me in the liberated state of following my values. I irreversibly felt in love with ACT, so much so that I totally embrace it, I wanted to make it my own, to add it to my lifestyle menu so that it will continue to enrich me in the future. Then I realized I was kind of fused with these ideas, so I decided to look at them from different perspectives, to take a break, to allow myself some reflection space. But the post-reflection return was equally liberating, as I found myself in a space where I could not only decide what kind of relationship I want to entertain with ACT, but most importantly, what kind of relationship I want to cultivate with my values, how I can be present in my life, and how I can engage with it guided by what I deem to be important. I don’t know how things will unfold in the future, but my ACT experience certainly enriched my lifestyle menu and upgraded my LIFE AS AN ATTITUDE approach to its 2.0 brand new version. Although the basic components have been successfully installed, there is a long way until they will completely mature and until I will feel comfortable enough with them around because they ended up being impregnated by my personal color palette. However, in my reckless enthusiasm, I started imparting presence, diffusion, and acceptance around; encouraging others in exploring their values, in transcending their conceptualized self, and in engaging with what matters from their newfound and flexible dance of multiple perspectives.               

Read More

Life as a complex unfolding of overlapping and sometimes contradictory events

 It’s May 1^st and a while ago the cherry tree in front of my window decided to beautify the garden with hundreds of white, blossomed flowers. By watching it’s enthusiasm for the sunshine you can hardly resist the contagious hope that naturally spreads through its discrete scent. A simple, even absent-minded look towards it could be enough to make you imagine the sap’s hidden joy for invigorating the branches with a new, springtime spirit. However, this year I got to admire the blossomed cherry tree on my way to and from the sky slopes where a handful of passionate skiers continue to take shameless advantage of the surviving snow layers generously bestowed upon us in March and April. Just 15 kilometers away winter seems to reign, despite the sun’s insistence to chase it out. The slopes are not frozen, but there is an unmistakable snow-touch all around the mountain. 

         Last October a friend of mine had an unwanted encounter with a tiny CORONA-virus that forced him to visit the limits of life, to contemplate existence from one of its no-coming-back borders. Looking directly into the void of his possible nonexistence he hanged on for a few days, his body connected with an oxygen mask. During several sleepless nights he came to appreciate not only the value of our taken-for-granted oxygen, but also the value of being intentional and really present. From the simplest, mostly unnoticed details like admiring a tree or a town building that happen to end up on our retina, to the inexpressible need to deeply connect with family members, to reshaping some behaviors so that they match his newly discovered values – he reemerged to life with a different perspective. This uninvited detour that occasioned a personal look into the final nonexistence made him burst back to life with an outrageous courage to exist. At first he wasn’t sure what to make of it, but gradually he managed to process his experience and started to gracefully taste the juicy core of a valued life, becoming a wiser, more loving human being. 

         But CORONA was merciless with others, leaving some families dismantled. Hopeless feelings, disbelief and disorientation hit hard as emotional, practical and financial imbalance is struggled with on a daily basis. Black becomes the dominant emotion engulfing the internal world for weeks and months at a time. Looking around nothing seems to be quite as it used to. Looking around we see other infected victims who manage to recover, while others don’t, leaving behind a never-to-be-filled void. In this bleak, difficult to bear context, one of my courageous friends - who lost her partner to CORONA - gathered her strengths to join a wedding ceremony, the first major event attended without her husband.  

         About two thousand years ago twelve regular Jews followed a strange new teacher who managed to ignite their motivation by sketching in front of their hopes a different, more humane spirituality. At some point they initiated what they imagined to be the most successful presidential campaign of all times, if only He had accepted their offer. Not only He dismissed the idea on the spot discouraging them to ever attempt such insane initiatives, but a couple of years down the road He was arrested, unfairly convicted and killed by the current establishment. Their hopes sank abruptly, absorbed by the endless black hole of the Master’s irreversible death. Three days later the hopeless, grieved and disoriented disciples had the most extraordinary revelation when encountering their resurrected Master and touching His scarred wounds with their fingers. Hope followed despair, and life followed death in the most amazing and unexpected juxtaposition in history.

         The events briefly sketched above have few similarities, but maybe what makes them stand together and not snap apart is that all of them are part of life. Sometimes contradictory events take place in a similar or very close space-time with similar or even the same actors. Paradoxical events overlap or juxtapose in a complex and intricate web design. Spring overlaps with winter and the sunny sky overlaps with the rain. A detour close to the no-coming-back border of death sparks a shameless reemergence to a fuller, more fulfilled life. Tearfully looking at the past after the loss of a partner overlaps with joyfully looking at the future as a new couple celebrates their wedding. The death of their Master that sank the disciples’ hopes in the endless pit of despair occasioned the most stunning resurrection in history. Life itself can be seen as a complex unfolding of contradictory events, overlapping or juxtaposed, a zigzag intertwine of paradoxes with unending stops and beginnings. As adult human being we only get to decide whether we want to be part of it, and present in it, or not. Deciding for the secure noninvolvement gets us closer to the nonexistence and the death we already fear. Deciding for the risky and real life involvement could be both painful and glorious, both heartbreaking and fulfilling. We would like to cross out “painful” and “heartbreaking” and to keep only “glorious” and “fulfilling.” But that is not our choice! We only get to decide whether we want to embrace life – with its overlapping contradictions, with its pains AND glories – or not. All the rest is up to God.          

Read More